Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Anger #1

Since God changed my heart and saved me, I have wanted to be a mom. So when I was in nursing school and people would ask me what I was going to do when I graduated I would tell them I wanted to be a mom. I would get some strange looks:) (Before God changed my heart I had planned to be a nurse midwife and the breadwinner of my family.) But I knew that was what I was called to do. Be a wife and a mom. Jeremy and I were married when I was a sophomore in college. After I graduated with my BSN, I worked for about two years and then we were ready to start our family. But it didn't come right away like we had hoped. We tried to get pregnant for 7 months on our own and then began taking fertility meds. The first month with Clomid, I was pregnant. We were thrilled! Our baby girl would be born on December 2nd of 2003. The moment I had been waiting for, for years. Holding that sweet little one was heaven. Then I came home from the hospital. I had the postpartum blues and I didn't know what to do with this baby who wouldn't sleep. I was crying alot. The anger saga began. I loved being a mom so much but I realized I didn't always get my way. When Gracie turned one, Jeremy and I decided to start trying again. Similar story, I started out on Clomid right away this time but didn't get pregnant. The medicine wasn't working. I sought help from a Dr who really seeks to treat the problem from the inside out and again it took 7 months to get pregnant. This time we were really stunned. We felt for sure we would be waiting for another baby for a few years. 27 months later my life really changed when our second little girl came along. I really had no idea how selfish and lazy I was. The anger really got worse. There were two little ones demanding my attention. I didn't really care for the inconveniences of being a mom. The job I had dreamed of. Some days I wanted to send them back.
God really began to prick my heart about my anger when Piper was pretty young. So that is why I chose to focus on it last year. Like I said before, I still have a long way to go in the battle but God's grace has been sufficient.
So, what is anger? A strong emotion of displeasure and resentment, wrath. Wow. Is that how I want my children to have me think of them. As an object of displeasure and wrath? That grieves my heart. One of the things that made the most impact on my battle with anger is when one of my friends encouraged me to pray and ask God to show me how my anger affected my children.
More tomorrow...


Wagener family fun said...

I am so glad that you are going over anger because that is an area that I am working on right now.
Hey, do you know what Juli's blog is? She left a response on my blog but I can not access hers?
If you could please email me her info. thanks

Lindsay said...

Shawna I tried to email you several times but I can't get it to go through. Will you email me directly so I have the right address?

Robin said...

Great pics first of all! And...the anger thing....who knew that becoming a mom...something we really look forward to would reveal our true heart! I've felt those same feelings....God is good. Today, by God's grace, the anger is sometimes still a battle, but becoming aware of God's grace in the moment and grasping hold of that grace has made a tremendous difference. Now, I'm helping my daughter learn that she has anger too, and I have some great life lessons that she was a part of that we can both learn from. I think the hardest part about it all was that I would recognize that this precious gift from God was the recipient of my sin of anger. It is heartbreaking, and that is really what God is after...my heart! Keep posting!!!